Somewhere in cyberspace, March 27 1997:

If you thought the biggest danger on the internet was the dirty pictures, think again! Killer comets in cyberspace are being directed by alien spacecraft to crash into websites with deadly consequences!

Today, the bodies of 39 web designers are being removed from www.heavensgate.com, the website they designed to express their beliefs. Days earlier, the comet Hale-Bopp came crashing out of cyberspace, directed by an apparently hostile alien spacecraft, and crashed directly into this website. 39 website designers perished helplessly as they lay there, flat on their backs, dressed in black clothes and sneakers, filled with downers and booze. The damage from the comet attack was so severe that the site needed to be removed from the web. However, a copy of the original site is available courtesy of ZDNet.

Reportedly, these designers had known that the comet was directed by an alien spacecraft and had reported this in their website. However, they were apparently under the mistaken impression that the alien was friendly and was in fact on its way to take them away from earth, or cyberspace, or perhaps both. It is not clear what actions the aliens may have taken to trick the website designers into believing they were friendly. "Damage to the website from the attack has been so extensive that we may never sort out the details of this attack" said an investigator from Snowcrash. "We must consider the danger to the other zillions of websites out there. Can you imagine the consequences of a comet attack on a website heavily visited by kids?"

Metaphysicists were aghast at this tragedy. "For years, we thought that the object itself, on the one hand, and its representation as words or images on the web, on the other hand, were two entirely different, separate things" said Dissociate Professor Esse Percipi at Bishop Berkeley University. "That is, we thought that writing about a comet taking you away could not have a dangerous impact on your real life. But apparently we are mistaken. The comet Hale-Bopp has not only destroyed a website, but our entire etymological and ontological infrastructures will have to be rebuilt to protect us from other dangers in cyberspace. Heaven's Gate may be the gate between cyberspace and meatspace, and it is now stuck open by a crashed comet and a wrecked UFO."

Sheriff P.K. Dick said "It's a tragedy. We cannot imagine the pain these web designers must have been in as they lay there for days in the wreckage of their website, blasted on vodka and downers, waiting to be discovered. But we found them too late. In cyberspace, nobody can hear you scream unless they have the correct plug-in."

Summarizing the entire event, independent web entrepreneur Mike Wengler said "All I want to do is live in California and sell the best deal on earth for any telephone call you care to make on the web. But now I find as a website designer I am risking my life for my commercial art! I can call Hawaii or New York from any airport, hotel, or payphone in the U.S. and be charged less than 25 cents if I am on the phone for less than 84 seconds. ATT or MCI would charge you over a buck for that call! And now I find that my website could wind up killing me!